Dear Carter

Dear Carter,

I had to stop at the post office a couple of days ago. The only other time I had been to this particular post office , you and Gigi were with me. You were sleeping in the car and Gigi stayed outside with you while I went in to mail your sister’s birthday package. When I came out, Gigi was standing with the door open next to your car seat; you had woken up and she had stepped out to give you back your paci. You always woke up when the car or stroller stopped moving. These memories flooded my mind as I pulled into the parking lot on Friday. I felt sad that you weren’t in the backseat but it made me smile to remember you getting upset whenever the car stopped  moving. My sweet, silly boy.

So Friday I went in to send another package and I browsed the greeting cards for a few minutes. I came across a sympathy card that really spoke to me, loudly enough that I took a picture of what it said:

We do not grieve without first loving. We do not love without gaining more than we could ever lose.

Truth.

I loved you the moment I found out you were growing inside. I loved every little kick and nudge. I loved you even more deeply when I saw you for the first time, your face all smooshed from your birth. I loved you more and more every day as I watched you grow. It’s because I love you so deep and so wide and so strong that your death hurts so badly.

But I wouldn’t trade the pain. I could never wish that you weren’t born or that I didn’t spend 111 days with you. My time with you was the most beautiful gift. What I gained, what I learned, what I experienced during my time with you far exceeds my sadness that our time was so short. No matter how long I live, the joy of being your mom will carry me through my grief.

The three are inseparable. If we feel grief, it is because we loved. And if we’ve loved, we’ve gained. We are better because we loved. No matter the outcome — death, divorce, happy ever after — if we have loved, we have won.

Okay, so if love = win, it follows that we should love without abandon, without regrets. We should never go to sleep without knowing we did every thing we could to show love to others that day. Our words, our actions, our energy should all reflect love.

We do not grieve without first loving. We do not love without gaining more than we could ever lose.

I kiss you.

Love you forever,

Mommy